Why do we do what we don't want to do? Why do we want to do what we don't want to do?

Feeling down, I guess.

I am feeling pretty down today. I made a drunken mistake this weekend that hurt someone I really care about. Why do I talk so much when I'm drunk? And why do I think it's my job to fix everything? I had good intentions, to be helpful and encouraging. But when you're drunk, things come out all wrong. I am bummed that I caused so much drama. I am thankful for a good friend who forgave me though :) Today it just feels like the world is on my shoulders. I am tired for one thing. I left on a bad note with Nate this morning. I have this thing with goodbyes. I can't hang up the phone or leave until it feels right. This morning did not feel right, but I had to go to work. It seems like we are having really weird communication issues lately. I don't know. I am just letting everything get to me and its weighing me down. I always let that happen. And then Everything seems so much worse than it really is. Plus I'm tired. anyway.......

No motivation....

So, for now I think I'll turn this into my Quit Smoking blog. I really have no resolve or motivation to quit smoking, but I know its so bad for me and I don't need it. So better quit now! I've tried quitting before and been moderately successful....gone a couple days or a week, or cut back signifigantly, but never actually QUIT. Everything I looked up online about quitting said to first make a list of all the reasons you don't want to smoke anymore. Of course these reasons are obvious, but they don't seem to outweight the deisre to smoke (go figure!). So maybe if I actually make a list, the reasons will seem more real?......

It makes me stink

It gives you wrinkles! A LOT of wrinkles!

It dries out my skin

My teeth will get stained

Its super bad for my lungs

It increases the risks of cancer, especially for breast cancer when on birth control. Which I am. And both my grandmas have had breast cancer, so my risk is already high.

It messes with your blood pressure and circulation

It makes my heart pound so I can't sleep if I smoke before bed

Lately, it makes my stomach feel really uneasy (not sure if its connected or just in my head)

My family gets really upset about it

I can't walk up stairs without feeling winded

I have a constant little cough, no big deal, but unecessary

It messes with your fertility

Its stupid to freeze my butt off oiutside in the miserable winter just to smoke.

I already have a sensitve body and a not-so-awesome immune system.



The list could go on and on



I guess for now I'll take it one day at a time. I am not going to smoke today at work. Its a good starting point.

The Power of the Mind......

It suprises me how much your state of mind can affect your body. On Sunday, I got really, really upset at a family event. I left feeling so angry, but there was nothing I could do about it! UGH! By the time I drove from Prescott to Flagstaff, I was already feeling sick. (Now maybe I was going to get sick anyway, but I believe my negative attitude opened the door for my immune system to shut down). Whenever I am feeling sick, I tend to get really negative. Nate always says I'll feel better if I have a better attitude. I never really believe him but this time, I saw a direct correllation between my body and my sate of mind. As soon as I let the family stuff go, I started to feel better! Its crazy how much everything is connected! So today, I am feeling much better :)

Things I am thankful for lately:

-My mom: we have been spending time together because of all the wedding stuff coming up and have ben going through some family stuff together. Our relationship is finally taking a turn in a good and healthy direction (Something I have been waiting for for 2 years)

-My husband: He has taught me so much since I was a little Riley girl living in Prescott Valley. Even though it is frustrating, I am so glad that I have the perspective I have when it comes to the way my family treats people. It is true, Ignorance was bliss. But I am better off knowing what I know, because now I am equipped to make sure I am not like them.

-My Dad: Never in my life did I know what a positive, life-afirming person my dad was. He has become an amazing support system for me and Nate. Him and Sherry are so uplifting and encouraging. I am always so grateful for the time we get to spend together.

-My friends who live in Alpine Ridge: Those three boys have stood by me and supported me (and Nate) more than I ever expected. They are like my family (only not as mean!). It is comforting to know that they are always there, and always will be. Thank God for good friends!

The begining....

So I have decided to join the blogging world! I was recently cleaning out my storage closet (a disaster built up over 3 1/2 years) and I found a bunch of old journals. It was fun reading about how I liked, how I felt and what made me happy. Specifically, I had one journal dedicated to staying positive. Every day I wrote down at least five positive things that happened, big or small. It was encouraging to go back and read. So that's what I plan to do with this blog. For now anyway, we'll see how it evolves....
Lately I have been trying to get motivated. I am tired of not exercising and having a dirty house, getting up late and eating unhealthy food. So this morning I actually got up in time to clean and make breakfast. It may seem small, but it was a huge success for me! It set me up to have a great day :) And so I will!